Tragedy, Loss, Heartache, Pain, Sorrow … and Wellness

As I started to write this post to give you some insight on how to maintain a little wellness (and sanity) during a period of tragedy, pain or trying time, I started to think maybe I wasn’t sure I saw that happening. I think I’ve had so much loss and heartache this year that looking back I wasn’t sure any amount of practices I put into place to maintain my own wellness seemed to have helped.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written or stayed in touch (even though I promised last time I posted that I would keep in touch throughout my ups as well as my downs). Little did I know that my entire year would be such a down leaving me no energy to be social.

Heck, I didn’t even have the energy to get the mail today.

This has been a year of tragedy, loss, heartache and so much more … More than I can probably even describe in words. In fact, It’s been a year of such pain that I am still currently living it and struggling to come out of it and I find myself questioning life in general.

Love, which often leads to loss, can be such a heartache that it is pretty much indescribable. It’s a pain that dwells deep in your hear, a hole that can’t be filled with any substance, a sadness you can’t shake no matter how well you take care of yourself. After all, the word heartache didn’t come around by happenstance – there literally is a kind of heartache that you can physically feel in your chest as a pain, or true ache, in your heart.

To give you a little background – my year started with me returning two months early from what was supposed to be a four month educational and healing trip to India to discover I had lost whom I thought was my twin flame. Although I won’t go into details about it, I have realized that the earthly disconnect of losing this person can be as painful as dealing with the death of someone you love.

Granted, I came home early because my Aunt, whom I was very close to, was dying of cancer and I wanted to be there for her as well as my mom who needed help and emotional support. I was blessed to be there when my Aunt passed and I was blessed to be able to nurture and care for her while she was dying, but knowing I was giving up my own happiness was in the back of my mind haunting me.

Shortly after I found out that I officially have no eggs and that I’ll never be able to have children of my own. This was another loss that has been difficult to accept and move past. I don’t even have any more words to describe this kind of loss except that it feels like a deep, empty hole that will never get filled.

Summer began with me dealing with a knee injury that landed me in the ER several times along with numerous hospital visits. This pretty much left me watching gorgeous days come and go whilst confined to my couch instead of outside enjoying being active like what I’m used to.

Labor Day weekend left me questioning life after my little brother was tragically killed in an incident that isn’t supposed to happen to “us”. Just over two months later I’m still sickened and in a daze that I can’t shake asking the preverbal questions of “why” and “how”.

All of two weeks after my brother was killed my cousin had a sudden onset of neurological problems to include muscle loss and nerve issues. Weeks went by and she couldn’t even get in to see a doctor. She deteriorated so rapidly she ended up hospitalized for a week and apparently that is what it took for the system to finally start doing diagnostic tests on her. Several days ago she was diagnosed with a rare form of ALS and just yesterday morning has decided to move to mother’s house to start hospice.

I cancelled several outdoor and canyoneering trips to be here to help take care of not only my cousin, but my mom, who has taken on the responsibility of taking care of everyone as she always does (I guess I got the same quality from her). The weather in Colorado is stunning and I’d love to be outside, but as a nurturer, I know I have to be there to help – it is just the right thing to do.

Sometimes a little voice creeps up in my head and tells me I should just do what I want to do, to make myself happy. That is what I see so many people doing after all.

As far as I’m concerned there will be more canyons for me to go do but there will never be another time to offer a close relative the love, help and support she needs to die in peace and dignity, or to help take some of the burden off of my mother who is still mourning the loss of her son, back at work, taking care of my cousin and all the logistics, and so on.

My point to all of this is this:

As a giver and nurturer, I often times forget to take care of myself, and even worse, I often don’t make decisions for ME or that will make me happy. At some point I realize I deserve to be happy too and this is something I very much struggle with.

I will probably forever regret waiting to be with the person I thought was my twin flame because waiting caused that loss, but that is a decision I will have to live with. The rest of my decisions about putting things aside to help others have allowed me to be the nurturer I am and I will never regret the blessings I have been able to offer others because I am that person.

Being there in times of need for others is what life is all about so I’d like to give you at least a few ideas how to do this with some harmony as I have been learning to find at least a little spec of balance these last two months myself.

Allow Yourself to Grieve

This sounds so common sense, but you wouldn’t believe how many times, especially after the death of my brother, I heard people say they didn’t want to cry or be seen crying. As a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), I cry a lot. I admit it and I’m not ashamed of it … anymore.

For some reason people seem to associate crying with weakness but I have learned that in my “weakness” I have strength.

I have allowed myself to sob in public because when the grief hits me, I can’t stop it, nor do I care to. I have allowed strangers to hand me tissues and offer comfort and even hugs, making me realize that there are still so many compassionate people in this world.

I learned just how healing crying is. A good cry empties your body and soul and leaves you so drained you have no option but to build yourself back up emotionally and physically because after all, when you are that broken, there is no other way to go than back up. Grief is cyclical so go with it. It’s okay. It will only make you stronger.

Allow Others to Help You

It’s okay to ask for and accept help.

Trust me, I’ve never been one to ask for help but this is something I had to change and accept after my brother was killed two months ago. It was so tragic for my entire family that I ended up stepping up and taking a lot of the logistics on. I knew I had to continue to at least eat healthy but it was difficult dealing with so much grief as well as the busyness that goes with this type of tragedy.

I was fortunate to have the help of my dearest friend who dropped everything and brought me healthy food (and coffee to keep me going after many sleepless nights). I so badly didn’t want to admit that I needed her assistance and to be honest, she didn’t even ask. She just did it. I couldn’t have been more thankful.

I also allowed myself to talk. Whether it was talking about my brother or the sadness of the loss of the person I believed was my twin flame, or the fear of my cousin’s ALS diagnosis, talking it out with someone close has been so profound and nurturing in my own healing process. It really is an easy way to begin to heal – to allow yourself just to vent your feelings. I am not even ashamed to admit that I sought a professional counselor to help through some of these recent losses. Sometimes it just helps to vent and work through your feelings out load.

Do a Little of What You Love

It’s easy to get so wrapped up in your grief and helping others that you forget to do something for yourself. Two weeks after my brother was killed I knew I needed to get out. I felt so drained and cooped up that I decided to take my doggies for a short hike.

I would have loved to spent an entire day outside, making my way up a big mountain or climbing some awesome rock, but I just didn’t have the time … or the energy for that matter, but I was happy to get a little sunshine and exercise and I knew in the midst of the tragedy I desperately needed it. It really did revive my soul and prove how important fitting in a little me time was.

If there is something you love to do and you find yourself unable to do it for a time, don’t fret over it. Just get in what you can when you can. You’ll thank yourself for it later.

Allow Yourself to Relax a Little

Take a hot bath.

Cozy up and spend even 20 minutes reading a good book.

Meditate or go to a yoga class.

Just a short time doing something to relax your body AND mind will keep you in tune with yourself. You need to have that time to hear your body talking to you so you know what it needs. If you run yourself to exhaustion, as we’ve all heard before, you can’t be there for anyone else.

Sleep is always healing as well, and there are certainly natural ways to get better sleep. I have found that if I take a hot, lavender essential oil bath in the evening, followed by a soothing Sleepytime or Chammomile tea and ten minutes in a good book at least sets me up for sleep. I also take herbal supplements like natural Melatonin or natural sleep aid and I find they help as well.

I can’t say I’m the best sleeper as I never seem to get fully restful sleep, but setting myself up for it seems to help take the edge off at least.

Just know, there will be times that will be difficult and you won’t be able to take as good of care of yourself as you’d like but no matter what, you have to at least keep in the back of your mind that you are deserving of your own self-care and once you recognize your own self-care has fallen by the wayside, take action to put a little effort into YOU.

I’d love to hear if you’ve gone through any tragedy and if you were able to maintain a little self-wellness during it. Do you have any other tips you’d like to share?

Add them to the comments below pretty please!